In Writing

Something happens when you write shit down.

As soon as you put it out there – whether it’s ink on paper or characters on a screen – you’ve created something that didn’t exist before. It becomes real. It becomes a thing. It has power.

I write a lot of things down all of the time. I make to-do lists and then make sub-lists from the master list. I write down random ideas I have about things I want to write about. I keep a notebook next to my bed to write down all the stuff that pops into my head when I’m trying to fall asleep. I have a list of random notes in my phone; the last one is just a list of cool quotes and thoughts from a book I was reading on a plane.

[Here’s one: “Jivan mukti” – translated from Sanskrit to mean “emancipation while still alive.” Or, phrased differently, “the soul awake in this lifetime” – to live in the here-and-now in a state of self-realization and liberation. How great is that?]

Many times when I’m writing, I don’t have a plan for the way I want the words to come out. When I decided to write tonight, it wasn’t because I knew what I wanted to say – it was because I was full of big, jumbled feelings I couldn’t process without trying to name them – to give them words, and to give them power. So I’m writing, and just figuring it out as I go along.

The biggest feeling, I think, is worry.

Here’s what keeps me up at night:

I desperately want to use my life to help people or to make a difference or to do something that matters and that makes the world better.

I know I’m not doing that as fully as I could be right now.

I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

I am not sure what I am good at.

And I feel like I’m wasting time.

Lately, I’ve been asking for guidance in a lot of different ways. I’m asking the people I love, and the people who are close to me. I’ve been trying to tap into my own intuition – my ‘gut,’ my ‘inner guide’ – whatever you want to call it. I’ve been asking the universe and I’ve been asking the God that I’m not even sure I believe in. I am asking, and at times, even saying these words aloud: “I don’t need to know all the answers, but I just want a little help – a little nudge in the right direction. Please. And thank you.”

Tonight, I’m asking in writing. On a public blog that people may (or may not) read, I am putting it out there into the universe. Most of the blogs I read are written by people who’ve already discovered their purpose and who are living it, or who are on their way. So, mine is at an earlier stage, I guess – I don’t know what I’m doing with my life yet, but I am working to figure it out.

And along the way, I’ll write.

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