Spending Christmas afternoon in the cafeteria at the hospital where K works. I just had lunch with her and now I’m hanging here for a bit while waiting for her shift to be over. Certainly not a traditional place to spend a holiday, but I’m in good company – as I sit here people-watching I’m noticing that there are lots of other health-care spouses here too! Lots of people in normal-people clothes embracing people in scrubs and white jackets and sitting down to enjoy a meal together. It’s actually pretty sweet. The hospital does a pretty decent holiday meal, too, and it’s free for all employees working today.
So, I’m alone now, but I’m not feeling lonely. Truth be told, I’ve spent a few holidays alone and sort of feeling sorry for myself, but I’ve made some progress since then, I think. I’ve learned to enjoy my own company a bit more. Also, it’s hard to feel sorry for myself when some of the people here are probably having the worst day of their lives, never imagining that they’d be spending their Christmas in a hospital cafeteria. A few people look sad, and terrified, and I’m trying to send them some good energy from my little booth in the corner near the window.
Breakfast and a workout – the first one in the new little spot I’m creating in our basement. I do most of my workouts at home now, and for a while I’ve been using our dining room as it’s really the only place in the house with enough space to move around. But … it’s starting to make me nervous. Lately my workouts have included a lot of high-impact, plyometric-type moves (jump squats, jump lunges, broad jumps and other awful-but-effective exercises) and so I’m coming down on our wooden floors with an awful lot of force. I’m not exactly a small person (I’m 5’11 and about 155 pounds when I’m on track and not lurking at the fridge and eating too much almond butter out of the jar every night), and I’m starting to fear that I’m going to do some real structural damage to the house. And I’m really not at all prepared for that level of shame and embarrassment, so K offered to clear up some space in our basement for me to exercise … on the wonderful cement flooring, where I can jump as hard as I want to!
The Pros: I won’t break the floor! I can play my music as loudly as I want to! I have total privacy! There is a TV down there! And a punching bag! The ceiling is higher so I don’t hit my hands on the beams when I’m doing jumping jacks! The gritty atmosphere makes me feel like a badass! The Cons: Cold! Spiders on me (possibly)! And the gritty atmosphere makes me feel a little sad.
So even though I still want to spruce it up a little bit, it’s still exciting to do something new, even if it’s just a change of location. Honestly though, the workout I did this morning was so hard that I wouldn’t have cared if I’d been doing it in a gas station bathroom. When you feel like you’re about to die, the ambiance suddenly becomes far less important.
Visiting our friend R and then bundling up to take our pup for a walk, and then doing some more studying for my personal trainer certification. I will be in Atlanta three weeks from today, and I know that time is going to pass so quickly so I want to make the most of it. For the most part, I’m in a good place for this – physically, my workouts have been really dialed-in and I feel stronger than I’ve ever been, and mentally, I feel focused, prepared, and ready to give it my best. And although I’m nervous, I’m not trying to fight it. Nervous is expected. Nervous is ok. Nervous is part of the journey.
I’m reflecting a little bit today on the path it’s taken me to get here. I’m thinking about the first time I ever set foot in a gym, and how awful and ashamed I felt, and how I felt I’d never feel confident in that type of environment – how I’d always be out of place. I can remember that day so clearly, but it also feels like I’m remembering a different life. I never could have imagined I’d be here today, about to take this trip, and feeling confident in doing so. Strong. Ready. It’s honestly overwhelming. And I don’t ever want to forget what I felt like that first day. I don’t want to pretend that it wasn’t a part of my story just because it’s not pretty.
So, this is where I am today. That’s the update, as random as promised. K’s shift ends in 20 minutes, so I’m going to grab one last cup of coffee before I head out of here to meet her. Lots of love and peace today, friends.
Let’s get ready to take on 2017!