36

At 36: Things I Don’t Do Anymore that Would Probably Shock/Horrify my 16-Year-Old Self

[I still do lots of other shit though]

Worry about leaving the house without a full face of makeup or perfume … or being in public un-showered (!) or sweaty (!)

Want to go to the mall all. the. time. (since I can drive and I have my own car!)

Jump from job to job when things get tough

Or not abandon things in general when they get tough

Drink alcohol

Use Facebook (not around when I was 16, but if it were I would have lived in it)

Talk on the phone very much, even though I have a phone on me at all times

Wear “normal” deodorant

Lust after guys – celebrities or real-life people – who are 30-40 years older than me

(Sorry Sting. Sorry Tommy Lee Jones.)

(Ok, rarely. Like hardly ever.)

Eat or have a desire to eat most types of fast food or candy

Do my hair every day or even wash my hair every day

Avoid going outside; prefer to stay indoors

Avoid sunshine

Avoid exercise

Avoid running of any sort, by any means necessary

Have sleepovers (sadness)

Have very many close girlfriends (also sadness)

Give a shit about practically any celebrity and what they’re doing or who they’re having sex with

Read Cosmo (40 sex tips that will blow his mind! Lose 20 pounds in 10 days!)

Care about wearing (or even fitting into) clothes from Abercrombie

(I don’t even know if they’re still around?)

Care about what other people think of my clothes or whether they’re on-trend and will help me fit in with my peers

Binge eat to comfort myself

Hide my scars

Care what type of car I drive

Sleep late

Weigh myself

Follow top-40, pop-type music or watch music videos or listen to the radio

Go to the movies (or watch very many movies in general)

Buy or care about owning expensive Coach purses and that type of shit

Feel like I need to justify changing my mind or not doing certain things anymore

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